Now, before I get started, this rant has absolutly nothing to do about the weather. For the most part.

I hate this time of year. I detest it with a soul consuming passion.  This is the time when people are getting togethor with familys and loved wones, and generly feeling happy. This is also the time of year when credit card bills cause suicide rates to spike.

As you all know, I just got out of the hospital. Full breakdown. Yep, you guessed it, the walls came tumbling down. As before, this means there are still sectors that are down that are causing a enormus amount of chaos. I seem to have lost the ability to supress some things... and it feels...

Bad.

To tell the truth, I'm lonely. I hate to admit it, but it's true. The only real joy I seem to get out of life is that once a week when I can get togethor and game with my friends... other then that, I'm alone. It feels... empty.

When I was growing up, as most of you know, I didn't have the best home life. My step father was a asshole, and my mother didn't stand up for me the slightest. It was a very sad, bleak period. Everything I attempted just didn't work. Everything failed.

Then, for one four month period everything fell in place. It was just after me and mel got togethor. I had a job, a place to live, good friends... everything fit. I found myself actually begining to relax and enjoy other's company. I started to start trusting people.

Then it happened.

I will not relate here what happened, because to this day I'm still not quite sure.  It's suffice to say everything fell appart, and it was no one's fault, or everyones... but it all crumbled.

I think that's about when I stopped smiling.

I don't know what it was, but I just stopped taking pleasure in the world around me. Friends became distant. Some became enemies. Some died. I can't recall how many times I cried myself to sleep during that period.

What has changed? Nothing.

I'm living in a new town, getting my life back togethor. Alone.

It is not self pity to realize the truth of one's own situation. I have analized it thuroly. Every time in the past I have trusted against my better judgement, it has brought wrath upon either party... or somethimes both. I am not a favorable person. Some say I can make them laugh, and I know I do have my moments, but at the same time the same voice tells me, in it's own little patronizing way, "they're laughing AT you...". And because of that voice, because of these walls, and because of my god damned nerves, I guess I shall remain alone.

this dosen't even make fucking sense... I don't know why I'm posting it.

later.